Bootleg Betty
Three Hours For A Fucking Taxi
(first and only draft)
By The Divine Mister D
August 13, 2008
Wow, here I am standing outside the Horseshoe Casino in Hammond, Indiana where young valet men and women are retaining the owner’s cars….hundreds of them. The air is thick with fumes from their exhaust (not the owners, the cars). I just saw the World’s Greatest Entertainer, Bette Midler, great company with Jeremy as my guest, great seats, VIP (should stand for Very Insecure People) passes, Divine Bette Midler and Bootleg Betty fans (Kim, Troy, Vance, and Mark), a surprise backstage encounter with the The Fat City Horns, Bette Sussman, the gorgeous Harlette, Kamilah Martin Marshall, and my friend, Bette’s comedy writer, Eric Kornfeld (Korny).
(one of the few horrid pictures I took in the Very Insecure Persons lounge…wow it’s a showgirl. Believe me they didn’t look attractive trying to come down from their pedastals for a bathroom break)
Yes, all this happened to me, but all I could think about, thankfully without crying, was “Where the fuck is my TAXI???? I had been standing in this polluted purgatory for 3 hours. THREE HOURS!!!!! Finally, through the smoke-filled, horseshoe shaped entrance, I saw a taxi. It was mine, mine, mine…I didn’t care that I had to share it with some loud-mouthed girl who screamed out every sentence or question. She could talk and text at the same time. I just answered her with my controlled, sexy sounding gay voice that I kept quite low since the fumes had burned a whole in my throat and tonsils. I literally felt like a frog and probably looked like one, too. Why won’t she shut up???? The whole Hammond experience, especially this very day, had taken it’s toll.
But I was so grateful to have had this whole experience, it just didn’t matter in the long run. I had posted earlier about starving in my hotel because there were no food places within walking distance, but by the grace of some divinity, BetteHead Kim, whom I had met before at a Bette show (KMB) in Chicago, had seats close to mine….as a joke she brought me a bag of snacks, which I’m ashamed to say, I scarfed down while in the parking lot…I even ate the whole pack of Orbits to keep my throat moist. I had wanted to save those snacks to eat slowly, savoring each morsel, but instead I devoured them as if it were my last meal. Thank you, thank you, thank God for Kim, the Wind Beneath My Wings. I know I would have died without that sustenance - Skittles, Orbits, Snickers, and more.
After we dropped off the Queen of Blackberry, I settled in for my trip to the hotel. I told the driver how long I had waited (he said I should have called for a taxi when I first arrived at the Horseshoe and told them what time to pick me up…nice to know if I come back to Hammond).
I told him I was late to meet my “date” Jeremy before the show, because the taxi driver just decided not to come pick me up at The Fairfield Inn. I was so blessed to have a manager of a hotel feel sorry for me and actually drive me to the show. I mean that is what I call customer service and I tipped very well.
Once I got to the casino, I found Jeremy and we went to the “will call” to pick up our tickets. We were surprised to find they were already paid for and we had VIP passes. I argued with the girl saying there must be a mistake because I had not paid for my tickets and she kept saying you don’t have to. I figured I was being treated as press or something. After all I had devoted 6 years pressing Bette Midler. Did I feel guilty? Sure! Did I want to argue about it? Fuck No!
The place we ended up….the VIP section….well, it was on the decadent side for a midwest and a southern boy. Showgirls on pedastals and Showboys on pedastals - their ass cracks sticking out and those bubble butts…and wow those abs…who cared about the Showgirls. Sorry, but why do guys that look like that have to ruin it my talking. Just my opinion.
(I’m only fascinated by the Big Fish Merry Go Round thingie. I’m easily amused. Face it, I.m not a photograper, but an observer. Jeremy must think I’m a dolt!)
There was a live band in one part and a DJ in another…the music colliding like the thoughts in my head. Both Jeremy and I walked around mostly stupified. We stopped and got some drinks, tried to talk over the noise, and ate some of the many foods offered….half the time I didn’t know what I was eating nor did I care.
Later on, reps from the hotel would tell us to hurry up and get seated. The seats were great and this was where I had the pleasure of seeing some BetteHeads…Kim, Troy (her husband), Vance, and Mark. The show was great and I’ve posted the set list and some reviews. Nothing else need be said. It was a spectacular evening, glitzy, but no frills, proving Miss M could hold her own very well without expensive sets. I will say the songs that stood out for me were a stunning version of “I Think It’s Going To Rain Today,” a much jazzier version of “Tenderly” where Ms. Midler showed off some spectacular control in her lower register, and of course “The Rose” trilogy…the title song, Midnight In Memphis, and the intense “When A Man Loves A Woman.” Also the segue from the Soph jokes to a beautiful ukelele version of “Glory of Love” was absolutely tear inducing. Yes, Bette was mean by doing that version and making me cry. Yes, I said it!!!
(Dan Falcone (Fat City Horns), longtime guitarist Mike Miller, Bette Sussman, Mister D, Rob Hader (Fat City Horns). There were others in the group but didn’t make the picture but it was such a pleasure meeting them all)
After the show, Jeremy and I went back to the after party to get one more drink. I was standing off to the side with my mouth hanging wide open trying to take in everything. Suddenly an arm grabbed me and I heard someone say something like “what the hell does it take to get your attention…do you want to go backstage or not.” I grabbed Jeremy so quick, I think I almost broke his neck. We looked like 3 ballerinas holding hands tip toe running backstage. The guy was Eric Kornfeld whom I interviewed not long ago for Bootleg Betty, Bette’s main comedy writer and someone I’ve learned to call “friend.”
(Mister D and comedy writer, Eric Kornfeld)
We were taken back where the “dignitaries” lined up to see Bette after she did her “press” obligations. I figured Jeremy and I were the “indignitaries” Jeremy looked fine, but I looked like a wet noodle. My shirt and hair were soaked…not sure why. We were told there was a good chance we wouldn’t meet Bette and I was completely fine with that thinking about the hard show she put on, then having to do press, and then meeting VIP’s. I just knew it wasn’t in the stars for me to meet with Bette again.
(The sassy, beautiful Bette Sussman and Mister D - notice I’m clutching Kim’s bag of goodies for me - before the show I also had bangs!)
But I did have my eye on the band, the Harlettes (especially Ms. Marshall), Bette Sussman (met 3 years ago several times), and Shayna Steele (the last 3 from the hilarious Video Bloooog It). I really wanted pictures with them. I never have a camera, but I brought one this time. Eric was so cool and lined up all the perps for me, but we were shooed away while waiting for Ms. Steele. But I’m meant to meet her….so next time, girlfriend!!!!
(the beautiful, talented, and shining light of Harlette, Kamilah Marshall, and Mister D)
Jeremy decided to leave right after that and I decided to calm down with one beer and then I decided to leave……
THREE HOURS FOR A FUCKING TAXI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love, Mister D
So if anybody knows, let me know….
