Fish Tails Over Broadway

FISH TAILS OVER BROADWAY

In Bette’s Kiss My Brass tour, Delores DeLago, The Toast Of Chicago starts out at the depths of a sideshow freak show and swims her way to the big time on Broadway in this revue.

ANNOUNCER

The Laguna Beach Dinner Theater Bait & Tackle Shop is delighted (proud) to present Delores De Lago, the toast of Chicago, and her all-mermaid revue, Fish Tails Over Broadway

Harlettes:       Delores, I just caught a fish named Delores

(INTRO A):

TONIGHT (Tuna Night)
(Leonard Bernstein/Stephen Sondheim/Eric Kornfeld)

Tonight, tonight

Sit tight, it’s tuna night

I’m gonna feed my tuna tonight

Today, no fish I see can match him

I hope they’ll never catch him

He’s much too smart to bite

Oh moon, grow bright

And make this tuna day, tuna night

EVERYTHING’S COMING UP FISH TAILS
(Stephen Sondheim/Jules Styne/Eric Kornfeld)

I had a dream, a dream about you, Broadway

It’s gonna come true, Broadway

I had a dream

I’m gonna come back, Broadway

With oh such an act, Broadway

They say that I’m whack, but Broadway

I’ll be swell, I’ll be great

________________________

Starting here, starting now

Honey everything’s coming up fish tails

Clear the decks, clear the tracks

Get a hold of your fins and relax

Blow a kiss

Buff your scales

Honey everything’s coming up fishtails

Now’s my finning

Set the world on its ear

Set it spinning

Broadway, we’re gonna go swimming

_______________________

_______________________

I’ll be swell, I’ll be great

I can tell, just you wait

That lucky starfish _____________    is me

Honey everything’s coming fish tails for you and for…

———————————————-

(INTRO B):

THE FIN-TOM OF THE OPERA
(Andrew Lloyd Weber/Eric Kornfeld)

______________ sings for you

_________________

Her voice is calling you, it speaks your name

Broadway she’s warning you,

_________________

The fin-tom of the opera appears to have a tail

(Delores removes mask; Harlettes scream)

Oh, it’s Delores

———————————————

 CABARET
(John Kander/Fed Ebb/Eric Kornfeld)

I used to have a girlfriend known as Elsie

With whom I shared for sorted rooms in Chelsea

She wasn’t what you’d call a blushing flower

As a matter of fact she rented by the hour

The day she died the neighbors came to snicker

Well that comes from too much pills and liquor

But when I saw her laid out like a queen

She was the happiest piece of tail I’ve seen

I think of Elsie to this very day

I remember how she turned to me and say —–

Oopsies

YOU’LL NEVER WALK ALONE
(Rodgers and Hammerstein)

When you walk through a storm

Hold your head up high

And don’t be afraid of the dark

At the end of the storm is a golden sky

And the sweet silver song of a lark

Walk on through the wind

Walk on through the rain

Though your dreams be tossed and blown

Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart

And you’ll never walk alone

You’ll never walk…

 TOMORROW
(Charles Strouse and Martin Charnin/Eric Kornfeld)

Tomorrow, tomorrow

We’re spawning tomorrow

So don’t lay your eggs today

Tomorrow, tomorrow

____________________

Tomorrow

__________until you’re on (Broadway)

 OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MORNING
(Music by Richard Rodgers, lyric by Oscar Hammerstein II, Eric Kornfeld)

Oh what a beautiful, Broadway

Harlettes:       Sorry Delores

 ANNOUNCER

Fish Tails over Broadway is a dark cloud over Seattle

That stinks like yesterday’s mackerel

Grand Rapids has two words for Delores: Sea World

(in Spanish): Aqui en Tijuana tienes dos palabras para Delores: el stinko

All in Pittsburgh agree, the girl with the fin is finished

Fin-ished, fin-ished, fin-ished

Finished?

(Delores response A):

How can they say such awful things?

After I worked my tail off?

I’m having a terrible day

I’m losing scales

(Delores response B):

Oh God, this is the worst day of my life

Except for the time when Sponge Bob broke up with me

He said it was my fault he was retaining water

I’m so depressed

—————

(add’l Delores response):

Oh my God

This can’t be how my dream ends

It can’t be, it can’t be, it can’t be

  (High-pitched vocal by Harlette):

Life is a cabaret old chum

Only a cabaret old chum…

Shut up, shut up, shut up

Who’s making that hideous noise?

It sounds like a giant toilet in here

I’ve gotta get a grip

I’ve gotta get a grip

What can I do?

I’m losing my mind

I, I, I know what I can do

I need a makeover

And not just a makeover

I need an extreme makeover

That’s what I need

I’ll reinvent myself

It’s the American way

I’ll find some rich investors

I’ll do whatever it takes

I don’t care who I have to blowfish

I’ll pack up the girls, and I’ll pack up the show

That’s right, we’re going to Broadway

I don’t care what it takes

Fin-ished?  Hah, I’m just getting started

I’m Delores DeLago, the toast of Chicago

And I’m gonna be the toast — do you hear me? — the toast of Broadway

  AND I AM TELLING YOU I’M NOT GOING
(Tom Eyen and Henry Krieger)

And I am telling you I’m not going

You’re the best thing I’ll ever know

There’s no way I can ever, ever go

No no no no way

No no no no way

I’m livin’ without ya

I’m not livin’ without ya, not livin’ without ya

(phone rings)

 AGENT

Delores, this is Saul Baracuda

    DELORES

Saul Baracuda, the agent from Shark, Baracuda & Shark?

  AGENT

I’m giving you one last chance to save Fish Tails Over Broadway from extinction

I got the biggest Broadway producers coming down to the Trump Marina to catch   your show tonight

So don’t fuck up

Fuck up?  Not on your life

I’m getting out of the freak show for good

Do you hear me?

Delores DeLago has left the aquarium

And this time I’m swimming in only one direction

And that’s up!

  AND I AM TELLING YOU I’M NOT GOING (REPRISE)
(Tom Eyen and Henry Krieger)

Tear down the mountains

Yell, scream and shout

You can say what you want

I’m now walking out

Stop all the rivers

Push strike and kill

I’m not gonna leave you,

There’s no way I will

And I (she) am (is) telling you I’m— not going

You’re the best thing I’ll ever know

There’s no way I can ever, ever go

No no no no way

No no no no way

I’m livin’ without ya

Oh, I’m not livin’ without ya, not livin’ without ya’

I don’t want to be free—

I’m staying, I’m staying

And you, and you, and you

You’re gonna love me—

Oh

You’re gonna love me! love me! love me!

Love—

You’re gonna love——  a-me————-

 ALL THAT SHAD
(Kander/Ebb/Eric Kornfeld)

Grouper, Scrod, Gefilte, Delores

Come on babe, why don’t we sail the sea?

And all the shad

You gotta try the grill, it’s simply heavenly

And that all that shad

Hold on hon

We’re gonna ride each wave

We’re gonna swim with sharks

We’re gonna not behave

We’re gonna head due East

And then we’re gonna feast

On all that shad—-

Snapper

And all that shad

Haddock, flounder

And all that shad

Hold your breath, we’re gonna dive so deep

We’ll take the oyster beds and eat ‘em while they sleep

I’m gonna shuck with ease, so pass the butter please

For all that shad—-

That shad

That shad

That shad

(over-head mirror choreography)

Woo!

One, two, three

Woo!

All that shad

Shad, shad

Oh, we’re gonna ______________________

And all that shad

Oh, I’m gonna show you _____________

And all that shad

Oh, we’re gonna _____________

Until we’re tasting all that shh-shh-shad

Oh, I’m no one’s fish but

Oh, I’m such a dish and

All— that— shad—

That shad!

ANNOUNCER

The Broadway Theater on Broadway and Broadway

Where Broadway crosses Broadway

To bring you the best of Broadway

Extends a big Broadway welcome to the biggest star on Broadway

Broadway’s own, Delores DeLago!

We ask as a courtesy to the performers and the audience

That you turn off all cell phones, pagers and personal vibrating devices

No flash photography, no video recording, film recording, digital recording, two-way pagers, camera phones, pocket PCs, palm pilots, DVD, GPS, GMRS,

S.O.S. and no atta (???] kisses

(alt. add-on):

And please do not remove those pesky little wrappers from hard candy

That annoys everyone

And now without further ado

Sit back, relax, and enjoy Fish Tails Over Broadway!

DELORES:

I’m Delores DeLago and I approve this message

  ONE
(Marvin Hamlisch, Edward Kleban, Eric Kornfeld)

One  ________sensation

Every little stroke she takes

One __________combination

Every dive that she makes

One smile and suddenly no prime filet will do

For once you meet her, you’ll say, Esther Williams who?

One moment in her presence

And the others quickly pale

For this perfect piece of tail has

One, son

Ooh sigh isn’t she _________

And her __________________

She’s the one

(alt):

Moment when you see her

She is so beyond compare

For that shiny derierre

Hon,

____________________________

This ain’t no filet of flounder

She’s the one

 HELLO, DELORES
(Jerry Herman, Eric Kornfeld)

Hello everybody, my name’s Delores.  What’s yours?

Well, well, hello, Delores (hello, hello)

Well hello, Delores (hello, hello)

It’s so nice to have you back where you belong (yes I belong)

Your looking thin, Delores (thank you)

In the swim, Delores

You’re still glowing, your still crowing you’re still going strong

Try this, Cher!

I feel my scales glitter

And my heart glitter (twitter?)

And I think I’m gonna stay a long, long time

So, wow wow wow, Broadway

Look at the gold fish now, Broadway

I’m never gonna go away again

GIVE MY REGARDS TO BROADWAY
(George M. Cohan/Eric Kornfeld)

I’m finally here

And when Broadway calls

I reach in my sack and pull out my…balls!

Give my regards to Broadway

Remember me to Herald Square

Tell all the gang at 42nd Street

That I will soon be there

Whisper of how I’m yearning

To mingle with the old time throng

Give my regards to old Broadway

And tell ‘em

I’ll be there

I’ll be there

I’ll be there, ‘ere long

  A-OKAY ON BROADWAY! (OKLAHOMA!)
(Oscar Hammerstein, Richard Rodgers, Eric Kornfeld)

I know I belong in the sea

____________________take a bite out of me

But when I say

You’ll never go away

We’re always saying

________________

She’s a-okay with Broadway

We’re a-okay here on Broadway

So on Broadway I’ll stay

D-E-L-O-R-E-S

It’s Delores

I know I belong in the sea

But I’m here,  take a bite out of me

But when I say

I’ll never go away

We’re always saying

She’s a-okay here on Broadway

We’re A-okay here on Broadway

So on Broadway, we’ll stay

D-E-L-O-R-E-S

It’s Delores