I Look Good

I Look Good*

(Bette Midler)

Hi, how ya doin’?

Long time no see

Oh well, time flies when you’re on Prozac

But enough about you, let’s talk about me**

I bet you didn’t expect me to look quite thiiiis faaaaabulous!

I bet you were expecting a beefier gal

Give it up boys and girls

Admit it, I look good

(Harlettes): Whoa oh oh oh oh (x4)

As you well know it’s been my duty

To accept my superficial beauty

And whereas others will go no further (uh huh)

I’m obliged to speak my mind

I’m a cascading fountain of information

Allow me to apprise you of the situation

In Hollywood, brains mean squat

It’s pretty legs and great big…  (she looks good)

I look good

Every time I walk into the room, that’s right

I look so good (she looks good)

They love me, they hate me

But they all say, “She looks good” (she looks good)

And I’m a helluva girl

I’m a load of fun, I look good (she looks good)

But you got to get to know me

Whoa oh oh oh oh (x4)

Boys and girls, I have done it all

I’ve been compromised

Walt Disney-ized

Dried out, detoxed and Jurrasified

Macroed (uh huh, uh huh)

Microed (uh huh, uh huh)

Lipoed (whoops)

And psychoanalyzed

Twelve steps forward, twelve steps back

But who gives a rat’s ass

I look good (she looks good)

Every time I walk into the room, that’s right

I look so good (she looks good)

They love me

But they all say, “Shit, she looks good” (she looks good)

And I’m a helluva girl, I’m a load of fun

I look good (she looks good)

But you got to get to know me

Whoa oh oh oh oh (x3)

The girl can’t help it

Whoa oh oh oh oh (x3)

So rich, so cheap

Yeah, I look good

And my girls look good

They certainly look different

They’re completely sanitized for your protection

I know many of you are wondering what happened to my old girls

Well, one of them is Peg Bundy***

The other two are Senators from California

Who knows where these three are gonna wind up?

Ladies and gentlemen

A warm desert welcome for three girls who represent no gamble whatsoever

The good, the lucky, the charming, the irrepressible…Harlettes!

All right girls, at ease

(Re: audience):

Just look at these waves of humanity

Stretched out before us like the Dead Sea

Many of them in complete and utter shock

Because they have never really, truly, honestly experienced the Divine****

They wanna know how much more they have to endure

Before I sing one of those inspirational ballads they love me for

♪ You are the wind beneath my wings ♪

♪ You, you are the wind beneath my wings ♪

Later!

And who have we got down here in the front row?

Oh my God, the American Express Gold Card ticket holders

Yuppie swine

Paid all that money so they can watch the show like this (Bette tilts her head way back)

“Wow, she’s tall”

Well, I appreciate your efforts to get close enough to see, I look good

And you wanna know something?

You all look pretty good yourselves

I had no idea what you all would be wearing

I don’t get out much

I don’t have to (she don’t have to)

I’m a star

I spend all my free time lounging in the largest trailer on the lot

Watching CNN

I know what everyone in Rowanda is wearing

Oh, I tell you, I gotta confess to you

The last couple years have made me so cynical, so sad

The Cold War ended (yeah yeah)

The Civil War began (oh no)

The Berlin Wall fell down

I say, “Put the fucking thing back up!”

Yeah, I got an attitude

I got an ego

But that don’t matter where you go where we go

Give me an attitude

Not a platitude

And my gratitude you’ll receive

Never been too fond of fragile

Always quick, ever agile

I’m a little old for this rapping shit

But you must admit, I look good (she looks good)

Every time I walk into the room, that’s right

I look so good (she looks good)

They love me, they hate me

But they all say, “Shit, she looks good’ (she looks good)

And I’m a helluva girl, I’m a load of fun

I look good (she looks good)

And tonight you get to know me

Whoa oh oh oh oh (x3)

Ah ah ——-

Whoa oh oh oh oh (x2)

(Hey! Oh!)

*Bernadette Cooper wrote & performed the original version of this song

**A variation of a line from Beaches

***Former Harlette, Katey Sagal, played Peg Bundy on the TV sitcom, Married …with Children

****Experience the Divine was the name of Bette’s 1993 tour, later reprised and re-named Diva Las Vegas in 1997 for an HBO special