Santa Fe New Mexican
December 25, 1981
HOLLYWOOD — Happy holidays to you a!!. And for some privileged celebrities, selections from my annual bag of things money can’t buy.
FAYE DUNAWAY: new furniture — to replace the furniture she chewed in “Mommie Dearest.”
FRANK SINATRA: Bob Hope’s secret list of “10 Ways To Grab Top Nielsen Numbers.”
RONA BARRET: more hard-hitting interviewing spunk.
DICK CAVETT: the same for him.
SIDNEY SHORR: a closet.
“TRAPPER JOHN”: a patient who doesn’t require surgery.
LOU GRANT: a Pulitzer Prize for turning out a daily metropolitan newspaper with only about four reporters.
MACKENZIE AND JOHN PHILLIPS: long memories. And may they set an example for all their show business peers who feel drug usage is chic.
JOHN DEREK: a Bo doll. Wind it up and it goes to work. Jusl in case Bo winds down.
TERI SHIELDS: a new toy.
THE REV. JERRY FALWELL: a glass house.
THE REV. DONALD WILDMON: the same.
NANCY-REAGAN: paper plates. And a Marie Antoinette wig.
ANDY KAUFMAN’S ALTER-EGO, TONY CLIFTON: burial at sea.
WILLIAM KATT: “Superman” flying lessons.
MICHAEL LANDON: the decision to sign a new “Little House” lease.
JOHN DAVIDSON AND MIKE DOUGLAS: a peace pipe.
“BEVERLY HILLS DIET” AUTHOR JUDY MAZEL: a course in nutrition.
WARREN BEATTY: a way to get’ ‘REDS” out of the red.
HAROLD ROBBINS: Comet — to clean up his novels.
HOWARD COSELL: an ecomony-sized bottle of Vanish.
GENEHACKMAN: a successful movie.
GEORGE SEGAL: the same.
SID CAESAR: a showcase for his talents.
PHIL SILVERS: the same.
BURT REYNOLDS: a wife and family — so he can stop talking about how much he yearns for such.
TOM SNVDER: a print of the 1977 film “Which Way Is Up?”
MICHAEL CIMINO: the same.
DAVID STOCKMAN: the same — and a copy of the book, “The Search for Big Foot.”
ROBERT REDFORD: Ronald Reagan’s road map from Hollywood to Washington.
ED ASNER: a Jane Fonda doll — wind it up and it finds another cause.
BETTE MIDLER: a dose of sugar and spice — and self-confidence. Or a first edition of the novel, “Prima Donna.”
“HARPER VALLEY”: a workable concept.
“FALCON CREST”: decent scripts.
CAROL BURNETT AND ALAN ARKIN: a burning of the prints of “Chu Chu and the Philly Flash.”
HENRY FONDA: health.
ROBERT WAGNER: peace.
KATHARINE HEPBURN: an Oscar.
HENRY FONDA: the same.
MOVIE HOUSES: audiences.
NBC: the same.
TO THE PRODUCERS OF “Lewis & Clark,” “Jessica Novak,” “Harper Valley” and “Falcon Crest”: Jerry Mander’s book, “Four Arguments for the Elimination of Television.”
“ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT”: originality.
WAYNE ROGERS: the book “Winning Through Intimidation.”
GARY COLEMAN: the same.
ERIK ESTRADA: ditto.
DAN RATHER: better ratings.
JANE FONDA: a smile.
JOHN TRAVOLTA: a movie.
FRANCIS COPPOLA: release of the movies he keeps making, and remaking, and remaking and…
“NBC LIVE THEATER”: long life.
RYAN O’NEAL: inclusion in the next edition of “Whatever Happened to … ?”
TO HOLLYWOOD’S FILM FACTORIES: blockbusters, to offset the momumental losses racked up by such bombs as “All the Marbles,” “The Fan,” “Chu Chu and the Philly Flash,” “Raggedy Man,” “Tattoo,” “Wolfen, “Under the Rainbow,” “The Legend of the Lone Ranger,” “Sphinx,” “Blow Out,” “The Postman Always Rings Twice,” “All Night Long.” And on and on.
AND TO US ALL: a year of prosperity and peace